Genie's World

What I Want For Christmas

2005-12-24T22:01:00.000-08:00

I don't usually like receiving gifts. I received the most wonderful Christmas gift as a child. I don't think anything can top that ever.

I still remember that fateful Christmas day. I was six years old when I received a very big present. I can still remember the wrapper. When I opened the present, I was so pleasantly surprised. I received a very big teddy bear. I felt like the luckiest girl in the entire world. I probably was the luckiest girl that day.

My teddy and I were inseparable from that day forward. You would never see me, walking around without it. I took my teddy to my private tea parties or my private cooking sessions. I took my teddy to bed with me. I slept with my teddy wrapped in my arms. I still have my teddy until now. My teddy is inside my closet.

Somebody asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told her that I don't like to receive gifts anymore. I think I'm well out of my materialistic phase. What I want, no one else can give it. What I want is not something that is not tangible. What I want, only I can get for myself.

I want independence. I want freedom. I want to become a better person. I want to contribute in making a better world. I don't think anyone can ever give that to me. I have to work on it by myself.

I have one wish though. I do wish for a good husband. I realize that I have no control over the people that comes and goes into my life. I have no control over the people that I meet. I only have control over what I decide to do with these relationships or how I interact with the people I meet along the way. And my wish is for me to meet a good person. A person with integrity. A person who isn't selfish. A person who is interesting and stimulating. A person who adores kids and wants to start a family of his own.

I realized that as you grow older, your priorities and your outlook changes. I can finally say that I've become an adult. It took me almost thirty years to say that.

My Ipod and Me

2005-12-21T07:06:00.000-08:00

I'm attached to my Ipod. It has become a very necessary gadget. In fact, without it, I'll probably go insane. I listen to my mp3s on my Ipod when I'm caught on traffic. Since it's the holiday season, I need it more than ever. The holiday traffic is so horrendous and it's going to get worse.

I tried using my Ipod today as I was browsing the bookshelves of my favorite bookstore. To kill time, I sometimes read blurbs from the back cover of books. When I'm book hunting, I take my time. I'm no longer an impulsive book buyer. I only buy books which I know I'll read. That's why it's important that I read the blurb or the first few pages. For me, the plot doesn't matter much. It's the writing style. If the writing style is too crappy, I know I won't be able to finish the book. THat's why it's important that I read the first paragraph so I can gauge the author's writing style.

While perusing through the books, I listened to Robert Downey Jr.s' album, " The Futurist." His music is calming although I have no idea what he's singing about most of the time. I however love his song titled, " Broken Man." I think he's referring to his days as an active junkie. I also love Robert Downey's version of the song
" Smile." Rober Downey sings it with so much passion and respect. It's one of my favorite songs, meaning, I sing it often. The song, " Man Like Me" was written for his fiancee who has recently become his wife. The songwriter ( Downey himself ) explicitly mentions his drug addiction: "This is a habit I'm breaking now forever."

I loved the afternoon that I spent in the bookstore, listening to music and just tuning out the holiday hustle and bustle. If I have time tomorrow, I'm going to be spending another afternoon with my Ipod in a coffee shop. It's going to be so romantic.

Alone But Not Lonely

2005-12-21T06:23:00.000-08:00

My married cousins frown on my single status. They all think that there is something wrong with me because I'm nearing my thirties and I'm still single. Just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm miserable. People equate aloneness with loneliness. I seldom feel lonely.

What my friends and relatives don't know is that I love hanging out with myself. I love to eat by myself. I want to write by myself. I want to read by myself. A few years ago, before the streets of Cebu became too dangerous to walk alone, I used to stroll around the city by myself. Walking around the city allowed me to think and gain a different perspective on my life and on life in general.

I don't walk by myself anymore. I think it's more stressful than relaxing. The streets are polluted and there are no sidewalks for pedestrians. There are also more reckless drivers ( especially the motorcycle drivers ) who don't give a hoot about pedestrians. If I want to maintain my sanity, I'd rather drive or take a cab.

Anyway, I enjoy my own company. I can savor my food more if I'm alone. I don't have to force myself to engage in perfunctory conversation with a friend or with an acquaintance. I don't have to pretend to be nice to someone. In fact, I'm more at ease when I'm alone. But sometimes, I get bothered by the stares that I get especially the stares that I get from middle-aged, balding men. I don't know why I get stares from old men. They don't exactly stare anymore, they ogle. They make me feel so uncomfortable, but since this is a free country, I can't do anything about it.

I noticed that there are many women like me. There are single women out there who enjoy their own company. One time, I spotted a girl drinking her coffee and eating her pancakes all alone. She seemed relaxed somehow with her Ipod and cellphone as her companions. She seemed comfortable being alone. I've noticed other single women, dining alone. They all seem content.

A few years ago, it was a rare sight for a young woman to go out of her house without any companions. But today, you can see women driving their cars and shopping by themselves. Women now are more independent. Women have more choices. Women have more rights. Women no longer need a man to complete them.

I never thought that I would turn out to be an independent woman. Just a few years ago, I was very dependent on my family. You would never see me without any companions be it a relative, a classmate or a friend. I was never alone. But recently, I have come to enjoy a more independent lifestyle. I drive alone, I eat alone, and I shop alone.

People think that single women are lonely. We are not lonely. In fact, we enjoy a certain kind of freedom that other women can't experience. A single woman is free to choose wherever she wants to go. She has so many choices. A single woman may be alone but she is never lonely. She can never be lonely as long as she enjoys her own company.

Dead Sick

2005-12-17T00:21:00.000-08:00

I feel as if an eighteen-wheeler truck ran over me and left me for
dead. I have the bad case of flu. I may have contracted the virus from
a colleague at work. She was wearing a face mask while treating
her patient. Our center is not well-ventilated. The flu has been
circulating from person to person. Unluckily for me, I got it just
before Christmas. I'm going to be spending my Christmas break
sneezing, coughing and complaining. My muscles are so sore and my
entire body is so tired.

I think that the chronic lack of sleep has lowered my immunity. I've
been working for the hospital for one month now and have been getting by
on less than eight hours of sleep. I'm not used to that. I can't
function well without proper sleep.

I miss going to the gym. I so want to sweat this flu out but I doubt I
can lift weights. I'm probably going to die if I do. It's a miracle
that I'm still typing. My arms are very tired but my fingers however
are still nimble. My brain is semi-functional. I thought it would be a
good idea to recuperate while reading a new book.

I recently purchased a book about a prostitute's life in the expensive
city of London. I know I should be sick but her text sort of makes me
h*rny. I've only managed to read a few pages before I dozed off. I'm
awake again. That's why I'm typing this. Or I could be dreaming this.
Maybe I'm not really typing. Maybe I'm dreaming that I'm typing.

Anyway, she describes how she first went into the business. She was
first hired by a handsome couple who hired her for some
menage-a-trois. It was really provocative stuff.

I'm just very much interested in the life of others. Call me a voyeur
if you must but I really do like reading memoirs and autobiographies.
My favorite so far has been Frank McCourt's, Angela's Ashes. It was by
far the best memoir I read. The Pianist comes in a distant second. I'm
half-way through finishing Stephen King's memoir. I read it last night
but dozed off before I could finish it. It's not a compelling read so
I doubt that I'll be picking up where I left it anytime soon.

I know I should be worried but my grandfather is well taken care of.
He was admitted to the hospital last night for being unable to pee.
The doctors inserted a suprapubic cather into his bladder. That's when
they make an incision through your abdomen and to your bladder walls
to get the urine out. His urinary tract is blocked because his
prostate has swelled.

I know I should be sad. I really am but we really were expecting this
to happen. He was diagnosed with colon cancer ( some say he's got
stomach cancer ) six years ago. The doctors weren't able to get all
the cancer cells out after his surgery. There are some residual cancer
cells floating around in his body. I wouldn't be surprised if the
cancer infested his prostate too. Cancer cells are nasty little
critters.

My friend, who I had lunch with today ( it's a miracle I was able to
make it through our appointed lunch date ) said that widows/widowers
usually die a few months after their spouse dies. My grandmother died
last year. It's not going to be a coincidence if my grandfather soon
follows her.

I may sound too pessimistic but sadly, that's life. People go away.
People die. People who can't accept death are grossly abnormal. Death
is part of life. Life is part of death. I think we were already given
the death sentence the moment we were born. The moment we shifted our
existence from unlife to life, the clock started ticking.

There's a final countdown. It could be tomorrow. It could be today.
It could be five minutes from now. We don't know exactly when the
clock will say 'bye-bye.' We can only guess. But for the time being,
we can kiss and hug the ones we love and cherish them for a few
moments. In the end, we leave with nothing-- not even cherished
memories. It's a one way trip where we leave with nothing.

Spam Attack

2005-11-09T22:50:00.000-08:00

This is terrible. As soon as I posted something on my website, I instantly received spam on my comments box. Is spam everwhere? They invade my email everyday and now they're victimising bloggers too?? This is too much. Spammers should be stopped!!! They're evil! And no, we don't care about what you're selling. If we did, we'd actually buy them!!!!

On Becoming A Woman

2005-11-09T22:48:00.000-08:00

The hair on my legs finally came off. I am no cave-dweller but before tonight, I couldn't see any use for shaving or waxing my legs. It just seems so primitive. It's just like plucking one's eyebrows. It seems barbaric to hurt oneself for the sake of beauty. I swore to myself that I will never be a slave to beauty but I couldn't help it. I've been initiated. There's no turning back.

It all started with a trip to the salon several months ago. I went there to have my bothersome comedones extracted. My facialist must have been so bothered by my bushy eyebrows that she volunteered to shape it. I was in no position to say no. I was lying supine on the bed and she was holding a razor. It would have been crazy of me to disagree with her.

So, the woman with her razor blade, shaved my bushy eyebrows. After the procedure, I looked like a transvestyte. You know the kind who always has a surprised look on his face. When I got home, people noticed my new eyebrows but didn't really say anything. At work, my colleagues asked me about what I had done. I told them about this crazy woman with a razor who shaved my eyebrows for free.

Since I'm too lazy to go to the salon to have my eyebrow shaped every week, I do it at home. I went to a store and bought my first ever eyebrow plucker-- a very handy instrument of torture.

My first eyebrow plucking experience was traumatic. It was so painful pulling each hair strand for strand. I had to will myself to continue the said masochistic act. But over time, I got used to plucking. I even developed my own technique. The secret is in the wrist. Of course, buying a curved plucker helps too. I learned that when I bought a new plucker after I lost my old one.

Tonight I just achieved another milestone. I have successfully removed most ( not all ) of my leg hairs. I didn't wax it because they say it's the most painful thing. I didn't pluck it because that would have been excruciating. I used this depilating cream which smells awful. I let the cream sit for five minutes before wiping it off. After five minutes, the hair came off. I was surprised to find that my legs are actually white under all those dark hair.

It's funny that at twenty-seven and three-fourths, I'm only trying to figure out how to live life like a real girl. A few months ago, I didn't care much about the way I looked. It doesn't mean that I didn't take a bath or brush my teeth. I was just trying to live a simple life. For me looking presentable was enough. I never made any effort to look pretty because it obviously takes a lot of work. And in my case, it takes tons of work to make me look pretty. But since the ball has started rolling, there's no turning back.

I realize that I'm just a newbie to this so-called beauty-torture thing. When I go to the women's section of a department store, I get overwhelmed by all the gadgets and beauty products that they have. It's like I'm stepping into a whole new world that I never knew that existed. I really thought that a woman just needs soap, shampoo, water and a comb in order to survive. But now, I'm learning new terms like 'exfoliation' and encountering products like eye creams, loofahs, bath gels, et cetera.

It's not that I'm giving-in to the dictates of the gay fashionistas and the beauty experts. I don't buy beauty magazines. I just get to read those stuff whenever I visit a salon which isn't that often. It's just that I'm trying to have some fun. I'm single and I just want to feel better about myself.

I admit, maybe subconsciously, I'm getting a bit desperate. I mean, I'm almost thirty and still there's no prospective husband in sight. But I'm not motivated by that right now or at least not consciously anyway. I just want to look good and feel good about myself. And probably subconsciously, I don't want people to say that I didn't try my best to snag a husband ( supposing I die a spinster ). I really am doing all of this to make myself feel better. Or possibly subconsciously, I don't want my future husband ( supposing I do manage to lure one ) to leave me because I have more hair on my legs than he does. But really, I'm doing this beauty-torture thing to make myself feel wonderful.

I'm currently experimenting with lip gloss. I haven't mustered enough courage to progress to lipstick. Maybe when I'm forty. Right now, I'm trying to figure out the benefits of using lip gloss over using lip balm. After my lip gloss lessons, I'm thinking of trying mascara. I haven't tried that yet. It should be exciting.

originally posted on: http://blogspot.serialcomplainer.com

New Posts, Old Posts

2005-11-09T22:37:00.000-08:00

I've been updating my other blogsite frequently but have ignored this one. My other site is old. It doesn't allow people to comment on what I've written. So far, I've had 1000 views on my older site. I don't know how many people have visited this blogsite since I put it up. I don't want to install a webcounter here because webcounters aren't that accurate. If I view my own site, the counter will consider it as one view. If I reload the same page, the webcounter will again consider it as another view. So there's no way of actually telling whether I've had 1000 actual visitors to my site or I've just viewed my own page 1000 times which isn't that impossible. I have been updating my older site frequently.

Since I'm too lazy to write something new today, I'm just going to click and paste the content of my old blogsite here. I posted something there that would be more appropriate here.

Wedding Madness

2005-10-05T06:44:00.000-07:00

My friend has gotten married last week. Tomorrow is her first week as a married woman. I haven't talked to her since her wedding.

I did enjoy going to her wedding. The guests were just right. They weren't too many and they weren't too few. The food was okay too. The place where the reception was held wasn't so bad either. It was a well-planned wedding over all.

We weren't supposed to attend the wedding ceremony since the room was small and reserved only for the principal sponsors and my friend's family. But hey, we sneaked in anyway. It's a once in a lifetime event. No way am I going to miss my friend's wedding. I haven't missed their weddings so far. I've been to lots of my friends' and cousins' weddings. I may be the only one left unmarried. Okay, I may be exaggerating a bit but it sure does feel that way.

There are times when I feel that I'm okay being single forever and there are times when I feel left out. I feel like such a freak sometimes. I'm starting to think that perhaps there's something wrong with me because I haven't managed to snag a husband yet.

I don't want to get married just for the sake of marrying. I'd rather be single and alone rather than be married and miserable.

Questions

2005-08-04T12:15:00.000-07:00

Jay or Conan?
Jay's a nice guy. Conan's a funny guy. I like them both. I watch them both.

Handsome or Not-so Handsome but Sensitive?
I'm definitely go for personality over looks. I think it's the personality of a guy that really matters. If he's sensitive and handsome too, that would be a treat.

Artistic or Regular Guy
I'm artistic myself but I wouldn't want to be with a guy who is artistic. Too temperamental. We'll clash. I think. I don't want a regular guy. A regular guy is way boring. I like a smart guy who can speak five languages. Someone who is never boring. Someone creative. Okay, I'll take the artistic over the regular guy.

Sci-fi or Romance
Romance movies make you feel good. But sci-fi makes you think. I go for the latter. Romance movies are too superficial sometimes.

What turns you on?
The eyes. It tells a whole lot about a person. If I look into someone's eyes, I can see what they're like even if I've only met them for the first time. But the thing is, I don't stare into someone's eyes until I really have to. For me, the eyes are something very private. It truly is the window to one's soul.

What turns you off?
Stupidity. Superficiality. A lack of personality. A boring person turns me off.

Pet Peeves?
Bigotry. Discrimination. Racism. Superiority Complex.

Novels of choice?
I read the classics and contemporary literature. I also read fluffy stuff. When it comes to modern chic lit, I think that the Brits or the Irish are way superior. Their writers are actually very witty. I go for serious books which deals with death and dying. I read anything actually, as long as the writing style is good. I usually go for style over plot. For me, the plot is secondary. It's how you tell a story that's truly important.

Shoes or Books?
Books. Books. Books. I'm a shopaholic when it comes to books. I just buy shoes unless it is neccesary. I can't live without books.

If you won the lottery what would you do with the money?
I'd pack my bags and go on a very long vacation. I'll visit all the tourist spots all over the world.

What do you listen to?
I listen to all sorts of stuff. I listen to jazz and rock. I listen to R&B or techno. I'm not choosy. I'm all about the tune and the lyrics.

Speed Racer

2005-08-02T02:32:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit embarrassed to learn that it was indeed my insurance agent driving on slow speed that I overtook on the road. I didn't know the plates to her car but I suspected that it was her because she left ahead of me. We had come down together but she took a different path to her parking lot. We had the same destination somewhat. She was going to my neighborhood too to pick up someone. I wonder what she thinks of me now.

I'm sort of a speed demon. I like driving really fast. I accelerate pretty fast. I'm usually the first one who steps on the gas when the traffic lights turn green. No one, not even taxi drivers can catch up with me when I accelerate from a full stop. Maybe it's my car's fast pick-up ( it is a sports coupe ) or maybe it's my fast reflexes. I don't know. Maybe it's both.

I don't know why I like to speed up. I wasn't really aware that I like fast speeds until my passengers and my family pointed it out to me. They keep mentioning that I drive fast. I might be in denial but I don't think I drive that fast. I'm only now starting to discover my love for speed.

During my recent trip to Germany, I encountered the much hyped about autobahn. They say that it's like America's freeway. I was surprised and more than elated when I found out that you can drive for speeds of up to 200 kilometers per hour. Usually, in my city, I drive at speeds of around 40 or 50 kilometers per hour. Sometimes I reach 60 if I really want to. It's fast considering that the speed limit here is only 30 kilometers per hour.

When I passed by the autobahn, I was salivating. Germany's autobahn had no potholes and the road stretched on for miles and miles. I found myself imagining driving on their autobahn. What a joy it would be to finally drive straight without thinking of obstructions like people, taxis, bicycles, small objects, stones, etc. It would absolutely be heavenly to drive at speeds of over 100 kilometer. I suddenly missed driving. That's when I knew that I was a speed freak.

After my trip to Europe, I don't think I'm ever the same. I've seen their roads, their structures, their people. It's just a revelation. I'm looking forward to my next trip there. It's not just the autobahns that I miss. It's everything in Europe that I miss.

Of course, nothing compares to driving at home. We may not have the best roads here or the best driving conditions but we do have the most fun at driving. Where else in the world do you have ten thousand things to watch out for when driving. If you can master driving in our country, you can master driving anywhere. The drivers here have to watch out not only for vehicles but also for pedestrians who appear out of nowhere. We have to watch out for running children. We have to watch out for stray dogs and cats. We have to be careful not to fall into a big pothole. Then there are basketballs to watch out for. Or people on motorcyles and wobbly bicycles. Then there are rocks, cans, even road-side mechanics to look out for. It is not uncommon to find mechanics doing the repairs in the middle of the road. Apparently, they're not aware of proper safety measures because they go under the vehicle while half of their body is exposed to the road. Any vehicle could just run over them but they don't seem to mind. They're going to do their repairs anyway. Then there's big vehicles like trailer trucks, container vans, cargo vehicles, etc. It really is a miracle how people here can drive. It's just so challenging.

Someone once told me about a friend who drove in the States but couldn't handle driving in the Philippines. This friend tried to drive here but she quit after several minutes and asked for another driver. She just couldn't handle the pressure.

When I started driving, I found it overwhelming. I thought that all the vehicles were going after me or going to hit me. It is true. The drivers here don't have any regard for their fellow drivers. They'll steal your part of the road if they have to just so they could get in front of you. They overtake you or try to intimidate you. They try to push you aside or try to harass you. It really can be quite stressful. It's harder when you're a girl. When a driver finds out that the driver is a girl, they'll drive you off the road if they have to. They'll scare you into surrending your space. I used to be bullied a lot by male drivers especially the taxi drivers. But nowadays, I don't get intimidated by them anymore. I fight back.

Just this afternoon, a taxi driver tried to go ahead in front of me. He was basically stealing my place since he was from the wrong lane. I fought back. I didn't let him win. We played a game of chicken. He was the one who chickened out. I'm not afraid to compete with another vehicle if I know that I have the right way. And sometimes, just sometimes, it's nice to fight back. Just because I'm a girl doesn't make me a weenie. I'm a girl driver but I know how to play the male driver's game too. Besides, I want to teach them a lesson. Not all female drivers are afraid of these big bullies.

2005-08-01T14:01:00.000-07:00

I think I'm jet-lagged. I get sleepy and sleep for four hours then after that, I wake up. I can't go back to sleep until eight in the morning. My biological clock is really messed up.

I think I'm having a Europe hangover. Exactly eight days ago, I was still in Europe. It was a nice experience. Of course, when I was there, I never really got the chance to appreciate anything since our tour group was always in a hurry. Tour groups may be cheaper but they're more hectic. When you're in a group, everything is scheduled. You have to wake up at a certain hour. You have to take your breakfast at this time in the morning. You have to leave at a particular hour. If you're slow, naturally, the group is going to leave you or they're going to wait for you but they're going to be very ticked off once you show up. I should know the feeling. I got delayed for one hour and I received deadly stares from our group members. Of course, the delay wasn't exactly my fault. I got lost.

During the last leg of our trip, we parted ways with the original group. We didn't proceed to this other country. Instead, we went to Belgium. I had no expectations of Belgium. I didn't know much about this country. I knew that they were famous for chocolates but then, so was Switzerland. I didn't research on the country. I could have before we left for Europe. It would have been easy to just look it up over the internet. But being an adventurous girl that I am, I decided not to. It's nice when you discover a city all on your own. Sure, reading guide books sounds like a good idea but for me it sort of dampens the fun.

I've been balling my eyes out since one in the morning. I'm watching episodes of Extreme Makeover Home Edition. I just love the show. The concept is great. It gives families with run-down homes, a chance of owning a brand new, customized house. It feels great to see tears of happiness on these families' faces.

I probably watched four episodes one after the other. The first episode that I watched was about this African-American guy who was shot in the back four years ago. A gang member, the shooter, mistook him for someone else. As a result, his arms and legs became paralyzed essentially making him a quadriplegic. The young guy used to be a promising athlete before he got shot. His story was really touching.

I was also touched by the story of a single mother and three daughters who lost their house in a fire. They went to watch a school play one day. When they got home, they found their house burned to the ground. For nine months they lived in a shack since the insurance coverage on the house wasn't enough to pay for the rebuilding of another house. I loved how the young kid, a thirteen-year old girl, screamed and jumped for joy when she saw their new house. The mother was very grateful of course. She wouldn't have had the resources to rebuild her house since she only works at a cafeteria serving lunch to school children. In the end, she got her wish of turning their house into a bed and breakfast place.

The other episode that I watched was about this enthusiastic and gregarious six-year old boy who has osteogenesis imperfecta. His bones are so brittle that he'd break his bones whenever he falls hard on the ground. Even if he has been in and out of the hospital many times, he still has retained his affability. He's still very much a normal hyper six-year old.

Ty and his design team made a fall friendly house for the young kid. Basically, they placed cork tiles and rubber on the walls and floor. They even had squishy bean bags and tos for the boy to play with. The boy simply adored his baseball-themed room. He's a fan of the Angels.

Watching these kinds of shows just makes you feel good about the human race. It's nice to know that there are people out there who are generous. It's nice to know that there are people out there who truly care about other people. The show has inspired me to help out with the community.

Actually, I've been wanting to help out the community long before I heard of this show. It's just that in the place where I live, there isn't much information about where to volunteer. I want to help out with the local branch of the Habitat for Humanity project but I don't know who to approach. In my country, you still have to know someone who knows someone so you can get into anything which includes community organizations. In fact, just to get into those civic groups, you have to be somebody or to know somebody who is a somebody to get in. It's hopeless, I know. That's what I hate about this country. But what do you expect from a third-world country?

I'm not trying to put down my country. It's just that I find it exasperating to live here somehow. I'm sure that there are others like me who want to help out but can't for one reason or another. What we need right now is an organization that encompasses all organizations.

I'm just rambling. I'm sleepy now. It's five in the morning. I have to get a few zzzs.

Anything Goes

2005-05-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know why people have been talking about this particular female teacher's wedding with her former student. Let's face it, if the teacher had been male, it wouldn't be a big deal. The thing is, there's a double standard. It isn't really about the age gap. It's the fact that an older woman fell in love with a younger man. In this day and age, people still haven't accepted this May-December love affair between an older woman and a younger man. It's unfair for women. It truly is.

******************

I haven't been reading books the way I have been when summer started. Along the way, I started to lose interest in reading books. I haven't been doing much of anything lately. I watch a lot of television. That's it. I want to read again but I haven't found the urge to start reading.

When the summer started I read one book after the other. I read bestsellers and even classics. I tried picking up a Sherlock Holmes adventure. But somehow, I just don't feel like finishing the book anymore. Don't get me wrong. I love reading the classics. It's just that, I don't feel like reading anymore. I lost steam, so to speak. Maybe I'll start picking up a book this week. Maybe I won't. But one thing is for sure, I would want to find something interesting to read. Maybe I'll start tonight.

I haven't been sleeping in my room for almost three weeks now. It's not because I don't want to. It's because I can't. When I'm in my room, I start thinking about my future. My future just seems so bleak that I find myself having anxiety-attacks. I can't sleep alone. I turn into a complete nutter when I'm alone. I toss and turn in my bed. I can't get a good night's sleep. I'm just not comfortable by myself. Not just yet.

I'll eventually get over this depression. It's probably just a seasonal thing. Maybe I should get more sunshine. It's probably time that I hang out with friends. I reall don't know.

Public Display of Affection

2005-05-29T06:49:00.000-07:00

I think a lot of Americans are cynical about the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes love affair. I'm not an American so I don't find anything fishy about the new relationship. Sure, news of their courtship comes awfully close to the release dates of their summer movies. It may or may not be coincidental. Frankly, I don't care. Tom and Katie are just too adorable.

I finally got to watch the much talked about Oprah show guest starring Tom Cruise. During the interview, Tom Cruise acted like a teenager. He jumped up and down the couch. He kept kneeling on the floor. He was hopping around and smiling. He kept arm wrestling Oprah. It wasn't like him at all. As Oprah said, Tom is a very private person. Then suddenly, he has turned into this schoolboy with a huge crush. I don't think it's just a crush though. As Oprah mentioned, Tom Cruise is a goner. I think love turned him into a goner. Don't we all wish that love would do that to us? Apparently not.

I voted in a website poll. I was only one of the few people who actually liked the Tom-Katie love affair. Most of the people who participated in the poll believe that Tom's effusive demonstrations of affection are just too much. Have the people become too jaded? I guess I'm a romantic. I just don't find anything wrong with public displays of affection.

I think deep inside, I want to have that kind of romance. The kind where the guy happily professes his love for the girl to the whole world. The kind of love where the guy goes ga-ga over the girl. The kind of love that really feels good.
I need that. I've never had that kind of love. I want to have that. During these pessimistic times, love is something we all need.

I'm totally happy for Tom Cruise. I've never been his fan although I admire him as a person. I'm happy that he is happy and he is showing the world how happy he is. He's not just being juvenile. He's being uninhibited. Love has freed him.

Maybe the relationship won't last forever. Maybe it will. Who knows? What I do know is that when you find the right person to fall in love with, everything just seems so perfect. Everything just falls into place. Who doesn't want that? I certainly would.

Hopeless

2005-04-19T06:59:00.000-07:00

I'm overeating again. I'm depressed. I just want to die. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I should be happy but I'm not. I'm bingeing. I'm crying a lot. Maybe it has something to do with hormones. It is that time of the month when my hormones are surging.

I'm sad because I feel so ugly. I know I'm ugly. But tonight it's different because I really feel ugly. Knowing that you're ugly is different from feeling ugly. I feel ugly, I feel terrible.

I wish that I had the perfect skin or the best complexion. I wish that I was thin and lovely. But I'm not thin, perfect and lovely. I'm fat, ugly and imperfect. I have flaws. But tonight, I feel like I have more flaws.

I wish I had the perfect teeth or the perfect life. I wish I had nice eyebrows and a nice long nose. Instead I have a flat nose and crooked teeth. If I could afford plastic surgery I'd have one.

I know that envying other people is bad but I just can't help but envy people who have nice handsome rich husbands or girls who have nice perfect legs. I don't have that. I doubt I ever will. This realization makes me more depressed.

I'm hopeless and I know it.

Dullness

2005-04-18T08:39:00.000-07:00

It occured to me that I never really had an American Dream. Other people who are in my position already see themselves owning their own house and driving their own cars in their not so distant future. I don't see that. I'm not attracted to that.
I live a rather comfortable life here. I could live here and not worry about bills for the rest of my life. But that's what I'm worried about. I'm worried about living in comfort. I'm too comfortable in my surroundings that everything has lost its taste. Everything that surrounds me and everything that I surround myself with have lost their meaning. My life has become dull and meaningless. I have become dull and meaningless.
I thought that I could rouse my soul by meeting up with friends. But that hasn't worked its magic on me anymore. It used to be, when I was feeling down, I'd run to a friend to get distracted. I never share my true feelings. I run to my friends so that I could forget how numb I feel deep inside. But lately, distracting myself with friends hasn't worked.
My interactions and dealings with my friends seem almost forced. I engage in conversation with them but somehow, I'm not there. I listen, talk and interact with my friends but somehow my utterances have somehow become automatic. I can't feel my soul anymore.
I hope that America will rouse my soul from this deep slumber. I hope I'll find whatever it is that I'm looking for in that big country. I never had an American dream but I guess I now sort of do. I wish to regain my lost self in that continent of dreams.

Nothing Much Happened Today

2005-04-16T08:59:00.000-07:00

There are just days when nothing much happens. And days where pretty much a lot of things happen. Today was such a day. My day today started out early. I woke up at eight in the morning. To me, that is early considering that I usually wake up much later than that.

I had to meet a high school friend over lunch but being the slow-poke that I am, I left at eleven forty when my meeting was at eleven-thirty. Over the phone, I explained to my friend that I was going to be late. I then told her that our lunch date at a Japanese restaurant was to be my treat since I passed an exam. Although I did pass a very important exam, my reason for treating her out was far from that. I just wanted to treat her out to good food. I know that she very much enjoys Japanese food.

My friend was dropped off by her husband at the Japanese restaurant. I came in probably twenty minutes late. Her husband left then my friend and I had lunch.

My friend and I talked about lots of stuff. I can't remember much about what we talked about. We weren't really paying that much attention to the conversation. We were more focused on our bento boxes. The food was excellent.

After lunch, my friend decided to treat me out to coffee and sweets. We headed to the nearest mall. We both ordered frozen coffee and paired it off with a giant cookie. Since the coffee wasn't that remarkable, we concentrated on our conversation.

Looking back, I think it was foolish of me to discuss my ESP potential. I told her that I had a tendency to sense what people are thinking. I always assumed that most women had this skill. I guess I was wrong. Although she did talk about her uncanny connection and sensitivity when it comes to her husband, she told me that she didn't really experience it with other people. I told her about my special skill. I can 'connect' with various people. Sometimes, I can even sense what they are thinking. I have to spend a considerable amount of time with a person though to be able to do this. It's like tuning in to someone's frequency.

Since it happened to me a lot, I always thought that people could sense other people's thoughts. I always assumed that everyone can sense what the other person is thinking about. My friend probably thinks that I'm crazy or a pathological liar. It's probably time for me to stop telling people about my special skill. I feel like such a freak anyway for being able to do this.

My friend and I discussed family and siblings. She told me about her older sister who is now in the States. She told me that her sis wasn't so bright when it came to love. Her sis has a relationship with a married man. My friend even told me what her sis did just recently. When her sis' boyfriend called her to tell her that they were over, her sis flew in all the way from America to convince him to reconsider.

She had the most creative way of persuading him to take her back. Before my friend's sis went out to meet the guy, she first went to the parlour to beautify herself. She wore the most alluring outfit then went to meet the guy. When the guy saw her, he couldn't say no to her since she was so beautiful. The guy reconsidered and her sister flew back to America. That was that.

After our little coffee break/dessert break, my friend told me that she was so full that she needed to stand up and do some walking. I'm insatiable and my stomach didn't feel heavy at all but I agreed to do some window shopping with her. We first window shopped at a candy store where we drooled over expensive imported candies and chocolates. Our next stop was at a snack bar which offered local delicacies at a very affordable price. Before my friend left, we went inside a crafts store where she bought yarn.

I spent four hours with her but it felt like four minutes. She just disappeared and I drove myself home.

I spent a good thirty minutes talking to relatives. They showed me the drawings of their seven year old son. They were obviously proud of their son's artistic talent which they have every right to be. The boy was truly talented. He even made his own story book. He wrote his own story in his own handrwriting and littered his hand-made book with his very own drawings. I chatted a few more minutes with the boy's father about car engines and stuff. After that I went home.

Home was just ten steps away. We live in some sort of compound. My relatives live next-door in my late grandmother's house.

I told my brother to dress up so that we could go to the gym. But my brother took an hour to get ready. By the time he was ready, I had also finished watching the latest CSI episode. Before we left, our older sister warned us that we had dinner to attend to with a few of our relatives.

We exercised in the gym for approximately an hour and a half. By the time we got to the restaurant, they were already serving soup. We hadn't missed much.

I can't say I was bored but my uncle did give me a puzzled look since I was staring at the food. I was only then starting to feel full from my heavy lunch. Although I didnt' feel like eating, I just drank soup, ate vegetable garnishings and the other vegetable dish.

Time just seemed to fly. Before I knew it, I was back home surfing the internet. After surfing, I picked up the memoir 'Tis. I'm taking a little break from reading. After I finish typing this blog, I'm going to pick up the book again. After that, I'll read. Tomorrow it'll be Sunday, again.

No Gym

2005-03-18T00:03:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to the gym today. My body is willing but my mind is weak. It's just that I didn't get much sleep. I slept at 5 in the morning. I woke up at eight which means I slept less than four hours. I feel sleepy but my body is still active. It's my brain that feels a bit weary.

I couldn't sleep early last night because I drank coffee during breakfast. The caffeine in that one packet of coffee must have been really potent. As much as I wanted to sleep, I just couldn't.

I've been going to the gym regularly. I love going to the gym. It's my place of solace. I like buring the calories. Besides, there's nothing much to do at home except read books. I love reading books but I prefer reading them at night. The temperature during the afternoons is just unbearable. It's probably 38 degrees outside. I'm sweating like a pig. I'm usually not bothered by the summer heat, but this heat is really unbearable.

My intolerance to heat is probably caused by one other thing. My hormones are fluctuating today. My core temperature is up. I'm hot both inside and out. I hate this time of the month.

It's hard to imagine that one month ago, today, I was in Guam. I took this really important exam. Guam was a really nice place. It's a small island much similar to the island where I now reside. Guam is smaller though. Way, smaller. Not to mention, way cleaner and way more orderly.

The streets in Guam are so perfect. There are no potholes or garbage by the side of the road. There's a speed limit, so there's no real danger when crossing the street. In fact, when I crossed the streets of Guam, the drivers stopped to let me pass. The drivers there are really disciplined. They follow traffic rules which I must say is a rare thing where I live.

I stayed in Guam for just three days and two nights. When we arrived there it was five in the morning. I was a bit jetlagged. I had a companion with me. She also went to Guam to take an exam.

I have fond memories of Guam. I remember spending an afternoon by the beach with my companion. We pulled two beach chairs and slept on them for about thirty minutes or so. It was about four in the afternoon and the sun was still very much warm. To cool ourselves we slept under the shade of a big tree. We couldn't hear the sea though. There were wave catchers a few meters away from the shoreline. It lessened the impact of the waves, so it rolled gently to the shore.

After our afternoon nap, we went to McDonald's to eat. We ate there two times. My companion wasn't such a risk taker. She wanted food which was familiar to her. I would have wanted to go to one of those Korean restaurants but was afraid that the food might be too expensive. It probably is. The burgers there cost around 5 US dollars. That's just way too expensive for a small meal. Their drinks were about two dollars which to me is a bit excessive.

We finally got to the hotel at about ten in the evening. We were pooped but we had spent the whole day touring the malls and shops. We even visited Underwater world which housed a gigantic aquarium. I was impressed though because I've seen a bigger and better aquarium in Hong Kong.

I read a few pages of my book before I slept. I slept at one in the morning. I woke up at nine in the morning. We took our four-hour exam at four pm. After that, we went to McDonald's again to purchase food.

We ate our meal at the hotel. We took out our room's table to the terrace. We had a fun meal, despite the fact that we were worried about the results of our exam. We slept early at around eleven pm. We woke up at three in the morning to catch our plane back to the Capital. That was the end of our short trip.

I haven't got my rating yet but through a website, I learned that I had passed the exam. My companion wasn't so fortunate. I'm just wating for my papers to arrive from the mail. After that I'm going to start my immigrant visa processing. Then, a few months from now, I'll be on my way to the land of milk and honey.

Diets Always Begin Tomorrow

2005-03-05T20:46:00.000-08:00

We ate a feast during lunch today. We had charcoal-grilled fish head ( tangige panga ); edible sea weed ( which I like to call sea grapes but which is locally known as lato ); chicken soup with malunggay and ginger; white rice; and charcoal-grilled squid stuffed with ginger, onions, garlic and tomatoes. It was a marvellous meal which reminds me so much of our outings at the beach.

I literally stuffed my mouth full of these delectable goodies. I even made a special sauce or sawsawan for the grilled fish head meat. I combined diced fresh tomatoes with shrimp paste ( bagoong ), sweet vinegar ( sukang pinakurat ) and calamanasi juice. The sauce complemented the white flesh of the fish. It brought out the natural sweetness of the fresh deep seawater fish which is locally known as the tangige.

The Japanese have their tuna, and we Cebuanos have our tangige. The tangige is like the tuna fish although with a bit more character. The tuna fish and the tangige both live and grow under the deep sea waters. Like the tuna fish, the tangige is a carnivore. It has sharp rows of teeth and a pointed snout. Unlike the tuna fish, the tangige has white meat.

The tuna fish's best part is the belly but the tangige's best part is the head. That's why the locals love to grill the tangige's head. It is where most of the flavor is concentrated. The locals still consume the body or the belly but the meat in those parts are more flaky.

Forgetting my diet, I consumed a huge portion of the white fish. I pecked at the grilled squid's lateral fins and its tentacles. I stuffed my mouth full of the edible sea weed which I added salt to. I paired all these yummy foods with warm white rice. To finish off my meal, I sipped the chicken soup last.

The chicken soup was just the right temperature. It was also the right spiciness. The ginger didn't overpower the chicken. The flavor of the chicken meat and its bones had transferred to the yellowish broth. I didn't find it necessary to eat the chicken. I just concentrated on enjoying the full taste of the chicken soup and munched on the slightly bitter green malunggay leaves. I experienced pure delight as I finished the last drop of the soup.

After my satisfying meal, I ate Rocky Road ice cream. The chocolate ice cream had lots of peanut bits which I thoroughly enjoyed. I ate one full cup of the calorie-laden ice cream.

Today, I have forgotten my diet. No matter. There's always a tomorrow. As they say, diets always begin tomorrow.

Slacking Off

2005-02-28T23:39:00.000-08:00

I'm depressed but I don't want to acknowledge it. I know that once I do admit it, I'll only get more depressed.

I'm waiting for the results of my exam. I'm not thrilled about it at all. It's hard to imagine that I took the exam more than a week ago. Time does indeed fly fast.

To get my mind off the anxiety of waiting for the results of that dreaded exam, I made myself busy. I joined this three day pesonality/leadership seminar which was very much time consuming.

My cousin had invited me to join the seminar a few months before but I was busy. I've always been busy. Last year went by like flash. I busied myself with studying and reviewing for an exam. An exam, which I must say, only took t four hours. I studied for months for an exam which took just four hours! How incredible does that sound?

I would like to believe that hard work pays off in the end, but we'll never know.

The seminar is rather expensive but I was lucky that my cousin found a way for me to get a discount. I only paid like 1/16th of the price. I bought my other cousin with me who is unrelated to the cousin who invited me. Cousin A, the one who invited me to the seminar is my relative on the maternal side of the family. Cousin B is my paternal cousin.

I had a falling out with Cousin B's younger sister so it never once crossed my mind to invite her sister. I invited Cousin B because she seemed like she was an open enough person. I hope she got something out of the seminar.

I think if I anything, I got a back ache and extrememly chapped lips from the three-day 10 hour seminar. On the first day, I was very much excited to be joining the seminar but on day 2 I got restless. On day 3, I just wanted to get out of there. I tried to get out of there but Cousin A and their leader, stopped me. I had a legitimate excuse. My lips were swelling becaue is was badly chapped. I have forgotten that when exposed to airconditioning for several hours, I get chapped lips. Except of course my chapped lips is the worst chapped lips on the planet. My lips crack and bleed and sometimes swell. Needless to say, I look really terrible when it happens.

The seminar is okay for people who are okay with being entrapped in a room for ten hours. It certainly wasn't okay for me since I experienced claustrophobia for the first time. The staff was certainly very adamant that we finish the seminar and we arrive there on time. They closed the doors on time and we weren't even allowed to go on a bathroom break until the session was over.

I got very anxious when told that we don't get to go outside for a bathroom break. Not until the lecture/activity ends. I pee a lot so I didn't find it very comforting. Once we were allowed to go on a bathroom break, I'd make a mad dash towards the bathroom.

The seminar and the people who run it have good intentions. They're into positive thinking and brotherly love. That's nice except I find it uncomfortable to hug and be hugged by strangers. It certainly felt very awkward when Cousin A's husband hugged me. I just froze when he hugged me. It was one of those 'eww' moments that was just so 'eww.' I mean, imagine that?

Through the seminar, I realized that I was an analyser and a planner. I certainly didn't know that but it's nice that I got something from the seminar. At least, now I know why I think about my relationships with people in my waking hours. It should also explain why I was bored when people started to do some introspection.

I'm an introvert and very much into introspection. That's what I always do. I analyze things. I observe people. I just like to think about my purpose on this planet. That's why I found the seminar boring. The facilitator was forcing us to delve within. Heck, I've been devling within myself for years and years now. If anything, I should be delving out if ever there is such a term.

The seminar got me thinking. I think the reason why the people there liked the seminar was because it gave them time for some introspection. I've always assumed that people always took the time to reasses their life. I was wrong because most people don't make the time to think about their relationships. They don't make the time to think about their lives. They live their lives like worker ants. They walk through life without even questioning their actions. I'm not like that. If anything, I'd like to just stop thinking and for once just do whatever needs to be done.

I just didn't buy into the seminar since I obviously saw a pattern there. The founder of the seminar obviously only had a shallow grasp of psychology. From our modules I could see that the founder of the seminar used a little bit of psychoanalysis and even operant coniditioning. There were slight traces of Buddhist teachings, meditation, visualization, etc.

The seminar basically is just a repackaging of all the hard work of the past great thinkers. There was nothing original about the seminar. That dismayed me a lot. Basically, they were just repackaging the different philosophies and claiming it as their own. I felt as if the people who run the seminar were taking credit for someone else's work which they were doing.

Maybe I should just stop overanalyzing the situation. Maybe it's good that the seminar is empowering a lot of people. Maybe I should just shut my mouth.

Cousin A is so into the seminar. She's thinking of becoming a facilitator. I'm glad that she found her niche. I'm glad that she's happy with what she's stumbled upon. As for me, the journey continues. I'm thinking of reading and learning more about philosophy, psychology and Buddhism. I may never find my niche but that's okay. At least, I'm constantly exploring my world.

Awake

2005-02-27T11:21:00.000-08:00

It's three in the morning and I'm still awake. I was certainly sleepy a few hours ago but I just had to channel surf before I sleep.

I usually turn the tv on when I go to sleep. Some people like to turn on their radios to help them fall asleep. Some turn off their lights. Some like total silence. Me, I usually turn on my television to BBC because I find that listening to British accents help calm me down.

On this particular day, I just happened to tune into HBO. The movie was interesting so I just had to watch it. The movie was " Clueless."

I love romantic comedies with happy endings. Who doesn't? It's like a potent happy pill. Watching feel-good movies somehow energizes you. I realize that the effect can last for a good twenty-four hours or perhaps even a week. There's just nothing like happy endings.

Clueless was popular during the mid-nineties. I was a teen-ager then. I remember that the phrase, " As if" and the word, " Whatever" became popular. Everybody just adored Alicia Stone especially her screen alter ego. Who could resist the cute and bubbly do-gooder Cher? What girl didn't fall for Paul Rudd's charming portrayal of Josh? Alicia had the nicest cutest smile. Paul had the attractive eyes. Clueless is a classic.

Clueless is just one of those nice movies that will never get old. Certainly, even the cynical teenagers of today can relate with Cher or even the klutzy Tai ( played by the then chubby Britanny Murphy ). The movie is funny, witty and just plain sweet. Who could resist a dose of sweetness once in a while?

I realize that there's a shortage of feel-good romantic movies in Hollywood today. The focus is on more realistic movies with sad endings. It's great but then, reality is depressing enough as it is. In real life, we get rejected, ignored, passed over, fired, scolded, etc. I really can't see the logic of going to a movie theater to watch more of the same thing that we get to experience in our daily life. Movies today are totally depressing. I don't think we need more sad movies. On the contrary, we need more feel-good movies.

I love movies. I love all kinds of movies. I love action movies, horror movies, adventure movies, romantic movies, dramatic movies, etc. Diversity is great. I love diversity. But I'm really seeing a trend now. Hollywood is indeed churning out more serious films than light films. I guess, it's just the sign of the times.

People of today are more skeptical, cynical, jaded and just generally stressed out. It's no wonder that the movies reflect what goes on in the real world. But sometimes, to offset all the dark things in this world, we need more feel-good movies. To offset all the sadness and suffering that happens in the real world, we need movies which allows us to escape to a more brighter world.

My life can be depressing. I'm single, childless and sometimes, I find myself feeling lonely. Maybe I'll get married to the man of my dreams. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll have kids. Maybe I won't. But certainly, right now, I'd like to feel good if only for just a couple of hours. I want to forget my problems. For just sixty minutes or so out of the twenty-four hours in a day, I'd love to feel great about myself. I'd like to just think about the possibilities especially in the romantic department.

Sometimes, movies allow us to dream. Whether our dream comes true or not, isn't really that important. What matters is that we don't stop believing in the great possibilities that can happen in our life.

Hope is something that we can get by watching feel-good movies. Hope is a wonderful thing. Hope can be an impetus to help us accomplish our dreams in real life.

Here's a list of my favorite romantic feel-good movies:

Clueless
Sweet Home Alabama
Sabrina ( 1995 )
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Never Been Kissed
50 First Dates
Bridget Jones' Diary
Life or Something Like It
What a Girl Wants
Princess Bride
Notting Hill
My Bestfriend's Wedding
Legally Blonde I
Sabrina ( 1955 )
An Affair To Remember
Sense and Sensibility
Beauty And The Beast ( 1992 )
Practical Magic

Lonely Sea

2005-01-23T06:32:00.000-08:00

I had my pic taken this afternoon. To get to the mall, I had to hitch a ride from a cousin and some relatives who were on their way to visit our grandfather. I sat at the back of the vehicle along with a kilo of fish in a plastic pail, three black garbage bags with used clothes in them, two overeager relatives and a dog with ADD ( Attention Deficit Disorder ). Needless to say, it was a weird afternoon.

I asked my cousin to drop me off at the side of the mall entrance. I didn't want to make a grand entrance in front of mall goers. I don't think I would have had the nerve to step down from a vehicle with dead fishes and garbage bags on it. The mall goers would think I came from the landfill area.

It was a Sunday so I found vanity unncessary. I just wore unlaundered white polo with tiny soysauce stains and recycled my jeans. My hair was still dripping and my shirt wet because I had just taken a bath. I'm lazy on Sundays and combing my hair or looking presentable always takes a backseat. Besides, on Sundays people tend to be a lot less discriminatory since they're church goers. It's on a Monday that they revert to their old un-Christianly ways.

I had to have my pic taken today since tomorrow, I'm going to have my pic posted on my supplementary visa document. This coming Friday, I have a very important interview with some very important people. Okay, I'm applying for a visa to somewhere so I can take this really important exam. I can't be any more specific than that.

I had to wait for a good thirty minutes to have my pic taken. There were lots of people who were there before me. The people who I was with were a very miserable bunch. They were probably ever eager to have their pics taken. As was I. I wasn't really eager more like impatient.

When it was finally my turn, I didn't even think about smiling. I also didn't think about looking directly at the camera lens. The last time I had my pic taken which was last Monday, my eyes were as wide as saucers. My eyes are usually like that but somehow I just wanted to minimize that effect. I looked slightly below the camera lens as I posed for my pic. I wanted to make a fine impression on whoever it is who is going to view the document. I didn't want to look like a terrorist. Not that I'd know what a terrorist would look like.

I had to wait for an hour for my picture to be developed so I decided to do some windowshopping as I waited. I was alone and I only had a cellphone with me. Desperately, I tried to contact some of my relatives who may be at the mall. My cousins weren't there so I had to wander the mall all alone. I did spot an ex-colleague and a distant relative but that was it. Our interaction was minimal. I just said, hi to them and went on my merry way.

My favorite part of any mall is always the bookstore. Since I only brought borrowed money with me, I couldn't buy any books. For twenty minutes or so, I just browsed the shelves. I was almost tempted to buy two books using my credit card but I restrained myself. I got into trouble last year because of bad credit card debts. I'm not saying that my credit card was maxed out. Let's just say I made a few bad purchases. Of course, I paid it all by the end of last year but believe me, it wasn't easy.

Because I felt guilty for not buying anything, I went to the Hallmark greetings card section and bought three Valentine's card. It was for my sister, my friend and my sweet cousin. Of course, I don't know when I'm going to be mailing the cards but I'll find the time or if I'll be able to find the time.

I left the bookstore and wandered into a few shops. I went inside this particular shop that sells imported goods. It's a nice place with really nice expensive stuff. I wasn't tempted to buy anything at all since I knew that I couldn't afford the expensive perfumes. I just imagined that I had the money to buy a few luxury items here and there. It was really pathetic. I'm sure that the salesgirls thought I was a beggar or a homeless person. Not that I can blame them. I really did look like a homeless person with my stained polo shirt and all.

I got tired of walking around so I decided to find a nice relaxing place where I could sit down. I went to a coffee shop and purchased this really big frozen coffee. I regretted ordering it since I got dizzy after I finished drinking it. There was too much sugar in the drink. Obviously, the barista doesn't know anything about Type 2 diabetes milletus. Perhaps the barista wanted me dead.

I'm glad I brought my cellphone with me. I can see why people are attached to their cellphones. Since I was sitting on a tall stool all by myself, I decided to send text messages to my friends. They promptly replied but still, it wasn't enough to keep boredom at bay. I was still bored being all there by myself.

It really is no fun being alone especially if you're with strangers. I don't mind being all alone if I were locked up in my room. But somehow being surrounded by people sort of magnified my loneliness. I felt so alone because I was surrounded by people who don't care about me or what happens to me. Somehow, I can understand why people get so attached to their cellphones. When you have your cellphone with you, all the people that you care and who care for you is just a button away. I called my brother to tell him to pick me up. I called him twice even if it wasn't necessary. Somehow, the idea that I was talking to someone I knew gave me so much comfort.

I guess I got a glimpse of what my life would become in just a matter of months. I'm planning on working in a faraway country where no one knows me or cares about me. I'm excited about the idea of earning my own money and having a real career but at the same time I feel sad because I'm leaving behind everyone that I know and everything that I own. But then, if I don't leave now, I'll never be able to leave this place. I need to grow and I know that I've stopped growing in my home.

I know i can survive being alone. But the question is, will I be able to survive being lonely?

Mundanity

2005-01-08T22:21:00.000-08:00

I haven't met anyone like H before. She's the type of person that you only get to read in books. H is a real egocentric and I don't really mean it in a bad way. Not really.

I thought that H was an intellectual because back in high school, she was among the top students in her class. We've never been classmates in high school but I knew of her since she was popular. We were never really friends but the recent turn of events have changed that. I don't really consider her as a real friend but we're friendly with each other.

As I said, I thought she was an intellectual but from the discussions that I've had with her, I find that it isn't so. Our conversations ranged from the inane to the mundane. We rarely get to talk about ideas or even about ideals.

I'm not trying to criticize her or anything. I'm just describing her personality.

I never really met anyone who likes to talk more about herself than anything else. The topic of our discussions mostly center around her. How her friend is this and that or how her bf is this and that. She even talks about what she did over the weekend which I find very, very uninteresting.

In any conversation, there is reciprocation but not in our conversations. I rarely get to interact with her or only get to share a few things with her since she likes to mainly talk about herself. When I start talking about myself, she seems uninterested and strangely enough, she abruptly stops the conversation. It's all about her and her. Somehow, I pity her boyfriend.

I haven't really met a person like her because in most of my dealings with people, there is interaction. There is reciprocation. I talk and the person that I talk to talks back. I guess that's how any conversation works.

I don't want to call her shallow or anything but the things she talks about are rather shallow. She talks about how she shopped for clothes or what she did during her trip to the mall. It all seems so ordinary. I guess I just expected her to be more aware of global affairs or for lack of a better word, I expected her to be deep. But she's not deep.

I guess it's unfair for me to compare her to myself since I'm more introspective. It's just that I've never met someone like her who actually finds fulfillment and enjoyment in all things mundane, ordinary and dull.

I guess I was right. Happiness is for the simple people. People who think will always be unhappy because they'll always know the things that they don't have and can never have.

Sometimes, I wish I were more shallow and simple. I wish I can find happiness in the littlest things. Instead, I brood and think a lot about how terribly mundane my existence is.

I want to live a life less ordinary. I want to live a meaningful existence. But I know that I can never have that. For that, I am most unhappy and most discontented with my life.